Angst

I've been unusually angsty, for lack of a better word, the past few days. And I have no reason to be. Everything in my life is going pretty well. I have a job, a house, great friends, a relationship, I'm not dying, I have white male privilege; I have no legitimate reason to be in such a down mood. 

I just don't know why I'm so upset and stuck inside my head. But I guess this is nothing new for me. I tend to slip into this kind of mood where nothing can cheer me up regardless of how well things in my life are going frequently.

I literally just rolled my eyes at myself for this blog post and I'm only two paragraphs and an image in. I swear I'm not seeking attention. Just need to express some thoughts. 

A good friend of mine tells me I brood too much. Especially if I'm left alone for too long and/or spend too much time inside (alone). I don't mean to . . . I'm not even aware I'm doing it. And I suppose it's true. However, I don't know if this is just a me thing or if everyone's the same way. So maybe I'm just being a normal human being.

Or I'm not.

My sleep doctor doesn't seem to think this is normal. At my last appointment with her, I mentioned how I tend to be on edge, anxious, or feeling some other strong emotion, generally without any obvious reason, and she decided to send me to a mental health specialist. Just to see if there is something deeper going on inside my head that messes with my already weird sleep cycle.

So, next month (it should have been today but was rescheduled by the doctor) I'll visit with some doctor who will probably ask me a bunch of questions and based of off my answers may or may not diagnose me with some mood disorder. I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Or not. Depending on what the diagnosis is, if any. Which I'm fairly certain there is something going on, just not sure what, because people just aren't as whatever it is I am.

So yeah, I'm feeling angsty, I'm not sure why, I would like it to stop, and that's basically about it.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Dreams, Again

I've been remembering an unusual amount of dreams lately. I have no idea why or how. From everything I've heard about dreams, you forget ninety percent of them within ten minutes of waking up or something like that (this is a blog, not a research paper).

And a majority of those dreams are incredibly violent and graphic. And I'm not sure whether I should be concerned or not.

The first memorable dream I'm putting into this group actually happened during this summer. I remember a large chunk of what happened, roughly six months later. I was kidnapped and held hostage by this couple who wanted to hold me hostage for some random reason. It was in a very, very nice mansion with many, many rooms and the couple was clearly wealthy. I somehow managed to escape, met up with a friend, possibly at random, tried to return home, but the best laid plans of mice and men. I was captured again. I'm pretty sure my friend was killed for trying to help me get home.

At some point, my mom managed to figure out where I was and came to my rescue. She got into a physical altercation with the couple holding me hostage and totally won. We left the house, got into my mom's car, and started to drive down the driveway. Unfortunately, the couple had other ideas (they REALLY wanted to keep me locked up) and detonated a landmine or something outside the passenger side of the car. It was a massive explosion.

I died.

And the dream continued. My mom survived and either went back up to the house to get revenge or she made a break for it to prepare for a bigger fight.

The second dream worth mentioning happened maybe a week and a half or so ago. I don't remember a ton from this one, but the main thing I remember happening was being shot in the chest, at I think point-blank range, and having my back basically blown off. There was a massive exit wound between my shoulder blades. It was gruesome to say the least.

And again, I died. And the dream continued after I died.

The next dream happened a few days after the second. I'm pretty sure I didn't die this time around, which is progress, but I was still pretty banged up. This dream involved cars. And trees. The only pairing that goes better together than cars and trees is peanut butter and jelly.  I think I was trying to escape from somebody or a group of somebodies and there may have been a passenger in my car as well. At whatever point, I ended up being run off the road and head first into tree. Airbags deployed. It's also possible that after the car accident, I might have been taken captive?

Super specific details are a little fuzzy, but I'm impressed I remember even that much.

The most recent dream was from maybe two nights ago. Surprise, surprise, I was being held hostage. I wasn't the only hostage this time around though and the three of us planned a daring escape. Which ended poorly - we were found out. We were being chased through yet another mansion (I clearly have a thing for dreaming about mansions) while being shot at. The three of us ended up becoming separated and our captors managed to gain some high ground in the form of the second floor. Being shot at from above isn't an enjoyable thing, especially with few good hiding places. Our captors tried to weed us out, which came pretty close to working. Actually, it did work. We were trying to regroup and we ran into two of our captors while the third began shooting at us from above.

And that's all I remember before I woke up.

It feels like these dreams are fairly interconnected, which is a weird concept. But if they are, how do I explain the one where I die from a gun shot fits into the grand scheme of things? And why do I keep dying? And when I'm not dying, why am I getting hurt? Should I be concerned? Another interesting thing I've notice is that these dreams all feel very . . . cinematic or theatrical in the way they are presented. Like, they'd be scenes straight out of a movie or a TV show.

I was telling my friend about these dreams and he said I needed a Xanax or something to calm me down because it sounded to him like I was pretty stressed out. I told him that my mind was literally killing me because of how stressed I apparently am. Which I thought was the cleverest thing ever. I still do. Don't judge me.

But those are just dreams and I honestly don't hold much to the idea of dream interpretation and are probably just a result of my overactive imagination releasing some pent up creativity . . . in a very violent way to force me to create things again.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Currently

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. I have about six or seven posts on the back burner, waiting for me to finish them. If ever. Some of them are kind of old at this point, but I can make them work. Some are just too personal and I'm afraid of finishing them and unleashing them onto the scary playground that is the internet.

But telling you what I'm withholding isn't why I'm working on this post. This post is to just talk about my life as of now, because why not . . . and it's been a long while since I've posted anything.

As of right now, I am typing this post in my bed, in my bedroom, in my house, otherwise known as Backstage. It's fantastic. However, my room is a little messy. My stuff is all over the place. It's not pretty. At all. I'm procrastinating on cleaning and putting everything away. 

I finally earned my driver's license this summer. It only took me two tries at the permit test and one behind the wheel test. AND I passed that part wonderfully. I had never parallel parked before the test and I pretty much aced it. It was great.I have a job. I am a full time DSP (Direct Service Professional) for Solutions I work with people who have behavioral and mental disorders. I have to thank a few friends for pushing me to apply here. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be stuck making minimum wage flipping burgers, making America fatter one Big Mac at a time. Or worse - unemployed.

And this is just a minor little thing, but my sleeping habits have been odd. I mean, odder than usual. For whatever reason, I've been having trouble sleeping soundly through the night. It's peculiar because I'm usually really good about sleeping straight through the night . . . and just about everything else. Maybe something's bothering me and keeping me up. Not really sure.

OH! I was in a movie! Yep. That's a thing. Rather, that was a thing, filming's done. I was in a horror movie. It was an experience and a half. It was submitted for consideration for the Fargo Film Festival, so that'll be something to tell my grandkids someday (or not). Totally worth it though.

I also ran soundboard for a show at a theatre that WASN'T at a high school OR a college -  it was a big kid theatre (Theatre B), where big kid actors act. I just auditioned for their next show, Sweet Nothings: A (Grim) Fairytale. And if this one doesn't work out, there are a bunch more auditions coming up in the next few weeks. I JUST WANT TO ACT! That's not too much to ask for, right?

I've also started seeing someone. We've been together for about a month. That's all I say about that.

I'm currently working on re-enrolling for school, which will be great for me to get back to school. I honestly do miss it, but I'm so grateful for taking the year off. It was a much need break from being a real person.

And that's my life. More or less. I'm probably glossing over something, but apparently it isn't important enough to mention.

So, yeah, sorry for the lack of anything, I just didn't really feel motivated or inspired or whatever is needed for writing a blog post.

Until next time (which will be soon), g'night and sleep tight. 

Habitat

Good news, everyone!

I'm getting a house! Rather, my family's getting a house! It's kind of a big deal.

Since about the summer before my Junior year of high school, my mom, brother, sisters, and myself moved in with my grandparents. In their two bedroom house.

It's a tight squeeze.

The basic sleeping arrangements are my grandparents in their room, my sisters in the other room, and my mom, brother and myself in the living room. That's changed a few times, but for the most part, that's where everyone sleeps while we're here. When my siblings go to their dad's, my mom tends to stay at the hotel she works at because it's convenient for her since she's an assistant manager and she's always around if someone messes something up or needs help. With the four of them gone, I'll take the other room, which is basically a mattress on the floor in a room full clothes and other stuff belonging to my family.

Now, it's not like we've liked being a burden upon my grandparents. We actually really dislike it. My mom has looked on and off for the years we've been living at my grandparents' place. Houses are kind of expensive. My mom has a family of five to care for. She works as much as she can. But there are bills to pay, things to buy, and so on and so forth.

But lo and behold, things come along at unexpected times. A few months ago, my grandmother read in our local paper that there was a house going to be built for a family in need through Habitat for Humanity. I forwarded the clipping to my mother and she hummed and hawed about applying (as my mother tends to do), but eventually she put in an application to be considered for the house.

Then we waited. I think we waited for a few weeks before we heard for sure whether or not we would be the one's receiving the house. But through some good fortune and our current situation (and the fact that I think we were the only family to apply), we were chosen as the family to receive the house.

The house that is being built is awesome. It's nothing fancy, but it's a place my family can call home. Finally. We've been kind of a bunch of drifters for years now. A neat thing about this house is that we get to have a hand in building the place we'll be living - we're required to put in so many hours of work on the house. And any of the work our friends and other family do counts toward our hours. So, really, it's a labor of great love and compassion.

And here are some obligatory pictures of the house so far:

And that is after about a month of work. Give or take. They say that we'll (er, rather, my mom and siblings) will be able to move into the house either toward the end of August or the beginning of September. Ideally, it would be before school starts.

So yeah, that's the big news I have and never bothered telling anyone till now. I think I only told one or two people and even then only one knew anything in depth.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight

Desiderata

I stumbled my way onto this poem (written in prose) and after reading it a few times, I feel like it summarizes my life philosophy. I'm very glad I stumbled my way onto this poem and I wanted to share it with you guys because this blog is where I can share longer things that I can't on Facebook or Twitter.

Desiderata (Latin for "desired things") was written by Max Erhmann in 1927. Any and all rights belong to him and his estate.

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. 

I know this probably isn't the most accurate format, but I've run into so many different formatting styles for this poem and I went with the one I felt best fit the poem.

So yeah, this is a neat little poem; I'm glad I stumbled upon it.

And with that, g'night and sleep tight.

Direction[less]

"Not all those who wander are lost;"
Never have I felt a quote, even one possibly taken completely out of context, so accurately describes the something resembling a life that is mine. And to the uninformed bystander, it looks like I am some lost soul.

I'm not. 
But I am.

It really all depends on the day for me.

[Before I get too far into this post, let me just say that this could possibly be a pretty confusing post . . . because I'm confused about the whole thing too. As seen by the comment above.]

Most days I believe I'm just taking a detour, finding my own way to my own goals. I believe I'm forging my own path and carving out my own place in this world. I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone emptying a niche for me to fill because they think it's best for me. However, if someone wants to give me a pro-tip on something, awesome, I'd take it into consideration. Will I do what they tell recommend? If I think it will benefit me.

Then there are days when I really think I have no idea what I'm doing. At all. I feel like I'm floundering about in life, barely getting by. I look at other people who seem to know exactly what they're doing with their lives and I look like some buffoon in comparison who can't get his act together . Days like this are when I wish someone would lay out a path for me to follow, with step-by-step instructions on how to get to a predetermined endpoint for my life.

And I know I'm definitely not the only person in the world who has ever felt like this.

Part of why I feel like I'm floundering kind of stems from taking a semester off and the resulting mixed reactions I got from people. For the most part, people were cool with it. But then there were the people who didn't understand. At all. They didn't seem to understand I was tired, frustrated, and I just didn't want to be there at this point in my life. But that's already been covered in another post. I was prepared for people not understanding it, but when people mocked my decision, I was not expecting that. 

Another reason why I feel like I'm floundering and have no direction in life is because I feel like I've let people down and didn't meet their expectations of what they wanted to do with my life. Which makes me think they think less of me as a person. Which brings me to a nifty anecdote from my youth. So, long before I settled on my chosen life path, I aspired to take over my family's farm. Yeah. Anyway, back when my great-grandmother was, well, dying, my family all kind of came together to say our good-byes and all that fun dying relative stuff. When we weren't inside the apartment, we were out in a gazebo just distracting ourselves with whatever - chess, random little challenging puzzles, etc. Well, after people had asked the eight year old me what I wanted to do when I grew up and was all "Oh, I want to take over the farm," Apparently, when I wasn't present one of my great-uncle's said to other family members that he really hoped I didn't get the farm because I was such a smart kid and if any of our family was going to get out of here, it would be me. And I'd be off doing great things with my life instead of wasting my time down on the farm. 

My head almost imploded when I had heard that little story. It sucked. And I felt like I was failing at that.

But when I feel like I'm not failing at life and trying to figure it out (or if I need to remind myself I'm not), I remind myself I'm only nineteen (I'll be twenty in ten days after this post goes up). I'm still growing up. I'm still learning, I'm always learning. I am finding my own way in this world. I just have to remember that. I also need to remind myself I'm not alone, there are so many others out there who are going through what I am. 
Taking this time off is honestly one of the best things I've done for myself. I generally feel better about myself, I'm not as frustrated with things, I've discovered parts of myself I knew were there, but never really had time to fully embrace. If I had stayed in school, I would have been very unhappy and I wouldn't have been able to grow as a person. 
No where does it say I'm required to have my life planned out by a certain age. And I've accepted that there are some repercussions, if you will. I will be stressed and anxious about it at various times.  Life is an adventure, why does there have to be a goal? I'm going to explore this world and go wherever I feel called. No goal. No endgame. My only goal I have is just to be happy. 

Good lord, did this post decide to take it's title to heart . . . I went all over the place with this one. I'm honestly tired of writing this post. I've spent far too long it. So long. I need to work on maintaining a steady stream of thought when working on posts that involve me explaining something. I think too far ahead and lose any ideas I have when I go back to the point at hand.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Bragging

Okay, so, I never really do this. Like ever. But I feel like it's a very needed thing as of late. I'd like to consider myself a humble person, I dislike talking myself up because I don't want people to think I'm some self-centered idiot who can't see past my own greatness.


With that in mind, let me just talk about how awesome I am. 

First of all, I'm a smart kid. I may not have a genius level IQ, but I'm not some caveman eating mud. I can pick up certain things pretty quickly. I'm generally a quick learner. I also have common sense. Which is something I've noticed a bunch of people I know lack. I'm not oblivious to the way the world works. I keep myself pretty informed in what's happening in the world. 

I'm a good person. I'm not a massive jerk. I generally go out of my way to help people. I will drop what I'm doing and go help that person. I generally like putting people first. As an extension of helping people, I'm a really good listener! People will come to me, tell me about whatever it is that is burdening them, and I will listen without passing ANY kind of judgement on them. I've been called a "really good active listener." If people want my advice on something, I'll give it,  but I don't expect them to follow it. I realize people are people and can make their own decisions. In fact, I would probably question anyone who repeatedly came to me for advice and followed to the T. 


I'm a pretty attractive guy. I mean, I'm not ripped or built, I'm actually pretty skinny, but I still look good. And I've gotten better with age. I'm pretty sure the beard helps. The words adorable, hot, attractive, cute, and handsome have all been used to describe me. And they're all right. 

I mean, look at me

Let's not forget the fact that I have TWO birthdays. Yes, it's a minor technicality, but you know what, I'm embracing it! The only other people who can say they have more than one birthday either have had a similar thing happen to them or they were born on Leap Day. For those of you who don't know what happened, it's basically all one giant typo. The hospital I was born in accidentally put that I was born the day before my actual birth. The time was right, just not the day. So that's that story. 

I have excellent taste in music. I don't limit myself to just one or two genres, I listen to ALL the genres. Well, almost all the genres. I can't do heavy, heavy metal or listen to bands that excessively use screaming as their preferred method of "singing." It's cool every once in a while, but not for an entire song. Anyway, I could be listening to something like Flyleaf one song and end up listening to something from a musical the next and then swing all the way to Skrillex and finally settle on something by The Civil Wars. I think that's actually happened, by the way. I know those aren't necessarily the best examples for my point, but it still makes my point.

Another thing I'm particularly good at is acting. It's something I'm good at, something I love to do, and hope to pursue in my future. Someone said something to me after a show I was in in high school and it happened to be A Midsummer Night's Dream. We were standing in the receiving line for the audience to come congratulate and thank us on a show well done and this one woman came to me and said she thinks I would do very well in and should do more shows by Shakespeare. I took this as a very high compliment because it's Shakespeare.

I'd like to stop and take a moment to let all of you reading this to know that this post is taking far longer than I'd hoped it would take. I'm kind of dying on the inside writing this much about myself like this.

Speaking of writing (see what I did there?), I'm a good writer. Sure, I don't always put quality posts on my blog, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad writer; I write differently for different things. If I'm writing a paper for a class that needs quality, I bust out my very best writing skills. If it's a paper that doesn't need that high of a level of quality, I'll adjust accordingly, but I still write really good papers. 


Okay . . . I think I'm done. I can't do it anymore. It's too much!!! I've bragged about myself as long as I can. I really don't want people to think I'm honestly this concerned about things. I wrote this so that way I can come back and give myself a nice confidence boost whenever I need it. To quickly summarize, I'm awesome and need to remember this more often. Sure, I will occasionally bring some of these things up, but usually when I'm joking about it. Oh, and I'm funny. I've heard people say that if you think you're funny, you're probably not. Well, shut up. I am.
Honestly readers, if you really think I'm this full of myself, we need to have a chat. And if you have a problem or disagree with these statements I've laid out about myself, don't bother. I won't listen. I mean that in the nicest possible way. I did this as a reminder to myself, I don't want to turn around and get bashed for it. 


Lesson of this post: be awesome, remind yourself you are, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 


Until next time, g'night and sleep tight

Fear

So, a few of the blogs I follow and read fairly regularly have touched upon the topic of fear and what scares them. I decided to be a conformist and follow suit - this is a post of things that scare me.


Let me be upfront, I'm not generally a person to be super terrified of anything. Sure, I'll jump and have my moments during a haunted house, corn maze, etc, etc, but after it's over, I'm fine. I'm not going to be unable to sleep at night or have nightmares about it. 

However, there are a few things that terrify me like no other. One of these things is a fear I've had for nearly nineteen or so years. I absolutely refuse to include an image of it on here AND SO HELP ME if anyone of you numb skulls comments or sends his image to me, I will make sure you die a thousand deaths. Each painfully. 
I don't know what it is about him, but I'm absolutely terrified of this puppet. He had a television show a while back, you may have heard of it, Tales from the Crypt (I got chills and freaked out even just writing it). The Crypt Keeper scared the ever loving daylights out of me. My mom still makes fun of me to this day about it, not constantly, but every so often. Apparently whenever he would come on (I do question my mother's choices in letting me, a small boy with a developing mind, watch that or even have it on while I was around), I would panic, and try to get as physically close to her as possible, or as she likes to put, try to climb back inside of her. You can go thank her for that image. 
To this day, I can't watch the show, the movies, anything. That scene in Casper The Friendly Ghost where the dad is possessed or whatever by the three dead uncles? Yeah, that doesn't fly with me. I close my eyes, plug my ears, and will sit there like that until I'm sure it's safe to look again. 

All because of a puppet. And that creepy, creepy voice. 
Guuuuh. 
Okay, enough thinking about that. 


That's really the only thing I'm genuinely afraid of.

Recently, the thing that scared me and actually carried over to something that wasn't the movie was The Orphanage. Not the movie itself, but just one character. It was, go figure, another dead person. The movie itself, AMAZING. It was just that this one character was so creepy and he just got stuck in your head after watching the movie. Not even kidding. 

Look at that thing! The movie was actually scary and it was SO GOOD. However, this small, dead, ghost child thing got to me after the movie was over. I went to shower (you're welcome for that image) after watching it, and I kept checking the shower stall because I was convinced he was going to pop up in the stall while I showered. It was the most nerve-wracking shower I think I've ever taken. 


My other fears aren't all that unusual.
I can't do the dark. I really can't. I get all panicky and anxious if I'm in the dark for too long, especially alone. I worry about what's outside of my sight and whether something nefarious and hurtful is there. Waiting to get me. 

I'm absolutely terrified of losing friends and alienating them over something I had no idea I did or didn't do or even without explanation, just whatever. This was actually a theme in a dream I had the other afternoon while napping. It was such intense fear that I woke up, checked my phone to make sure I didn't get any messages like what were sent to dream me and I even logged onto Facebook to check there too. It was probably the scariest ten minutes of my week. I legitimately panicked over the dream because I had thought it had actually happened.

Another fear of mine is failure . . . and not meeting my expectations and letting people down because of the expectations they have of me. Yeah, that one pretty much speaks for itself. It was really hard to admit to people I was taking time off because everyone expected me to go to college and do well and all that. The cross I bear being the golden child. 

I love roller coasters. However, I tend to get a little nervous on the very first hill. I think it's the anticipation of the impending drop. Or it's the amount of adrenaline my brain sends out. Either way, I do experience a bit of fear. 


I also get a little worried around spiders. If there's a spider in the shower, I won't shower. I will get dressed and not shower in that shower until I can get rid of the thing. I don't have a problem with shower buddies, but not eight legged ones. 

So, let the record show that, yes, I can't be the one to lead a group through a haunted house or a haunted maze or other places like that, but deep down, I'm not really a scared person. Unlike other people I know who can barely handle watching a trailer for a horror film. I do genuinely like  good horror films, films that build the suspense and BAM!!! When you're least expecting, the [villian/creature/monster/murderer/bad guy] comes out and [abducts/murders/eats/misfigures/etc] the people it's been terrorizing.
And that is really all I have for you. Kind of a haphazard wandering through a list of things that scare me. Not very long, but you know, I'm not really a scared person. I just tend to worry too much, even though I tell EVERYONE else I know not to. 


Anyway, until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

A Dilemma

Greetings and salutations. 


So, I've reached an impasse, a moral dilemma really, with this whole blog thing. Way back when I first started this blog, I decided to be honest and open, with not only myself, but to those of you who take time out of your day to read my humble little blog. I think I've done a relatively good job of doing that. 

That handy dandy picture brings me to the point of this blog, in an overarching, general kind of way. It's come to my attention that I don't always express everything I could on this blog. And that I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing, but that's another issue entirely. 


I suppose the reason why I don't open up about absolutely everything I would like to write about on here is generally for the sake and benefit of others. Which isn't fair to me. It impairs my honesty. It ultimately puts a limit on what I can and can't publish. I mean, I suppose I do it for myself, too. I'm kind of afraid of what could possibly come up if I publish something that hasn't exactly been talked about in person. 


For example, I have a post in reserve I would kind of love to publish, but haven't because it was written at what I'd consider a personal low moment for myself and the content matter hasn't really been addressed by those involved. I wouldn't be posting it for attention (because it could read that way to some people) or whatever, but I would really like to bring to light an issue that I don't really hear too much about. Plus, it's very emotionally heavy. I, for whatever reason, have fallen into this habit of posting blogs of that nature. I would really like to post some lighter, funnier posts before I throw that one into the fray. 


It's not just here, on my blog, but it's on all of my social media type accounts. 


And I mean, I have no problem not posting everything about myself. There are some things in my life I'd rather keep off of the internet and some things I haven't quite figured out about myself, which may or may not be unusual for an almost twenty year old, and yes, I can call myself that because my birthday is in two months. 


ALSO. This has absolutely nothing to do with the content of the posts, but how they look. I don't know what's going on and why it does this, but it really irritates me. For some odd reason, the spacing of the paragraphs tends to be larger than what I want and intended. Say I press the enter key twice, to create a new section, the post will decide I pressed it fifty times and send the next section half way down the page. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT DOES THAT. <--- That was me raging, in case you missed that. 


Anyway, to briefly summarize, I'm not completely honest and open out of fear of the repercussions I'd experience of what I post. BAM.

Also, this: 

Here's where I mix things up a bit. I want some feedback. Do I give the fear I have the figurative middle finger and post whatever I want regardless of what anyone says or do I not. 
And while I'm mixing things up, I want to hear what you want to read about! Let me know what you think I could write a good post about, what you want me address, whatever. Let's try to keep it relatively appropriate, but other than that, anything! 
I am genuinely curious as to what you guys think about that issue and what you want to read. Let me know!


So, yeah! That's that. I don't really have too much left to say about this. I've already rambled enough on this.

Alright then, until next time, goodnight and sleep tight.

Some Goals

Greetings and salutations.


Well, after that last blog post, I figure I'd lighten the mood a bit by just rambling for a bit. The rambling will probably consist of me updating everyone on stuff, which includes even more decisions, putting down some goals I have for this year, and just some random nonsense accompanied by some humour, if you find things I write to be funny. If you don't, it will just be random nonsense where I attempt to be funny. Also, pictures. Maybe pictures.  


Anyway, after putting in even MORE applications, I've gotten as far as . . . what's would be an accurate comparison? From say, the Carl to the theatre on Concordia's campus. For any non Cobbers reading this, that isn't very far at all. I've either not heard back from places, they aren't hiring full time right now, they're only hiring part time, they're cleaning out all of their seasonal workers, or they just won't give me the time of day. 


Because I lack experience. 


Which is silly if you ask me. If you want me to have experience, why not hire me so I can get experience. I mean, it's not really that hard.
I did, however, go to interview for a job at Eddie Bauer . . . which turned out to be a meager part time job that was only five to ten hours a week. I couldn't support myself off of that. I'd need like, two more part jobs to even come close to making what I need to live over in Fargo.
Speaking of Fargo . . . things aren't quite working out the way I'd like them to. That means I'm going to have to start looking elsewhere. And by elsewhere, I've been thinking of places like Duluth, Minneapolis, Grand Forks, and even around home. Each has it's advantages. Duluth has UMD, which has a good theatre program, or so I'm told, and on a personal level, a friend said she thinks I'd do well there and in Duluth. Minneapolis is home to so much theatre. So much, in fact, that it's the third largest theatre hub (a word I use very loosely as I can't think of the proper term) in the country. Rumour has it there are some theatre schools down there worth looking at. Grand Forks is the closest to Moorhead and Concordia out of these places. Home is good because it's a definite place to live. Then there's Fargo. But that's been covered. 

Anyway, that's that update about my semester off thus far. And I'm done with that.
Now for some goals I've gone and set for myself for this year. Don't call them resolutions, I don't do that nonsense, just like I don't do Lent. At least one of these is kind of a seasonal thing and since I live in Minnesota, there's snow . . . sort of. Beside the point. So, some of my goals/plans for this year include: 

• Writing - I use to write stuff all the time. Just about none of it survived to see the light of day. I was always incredibly critical of what I wrote and would just scrap it. So, I'm going to try and save what I write and maybe post some of it here. I've never written a script before, so I might try my hand at writing a play script. 
• Audition - For professional shows. I haven't had a sizable role in a while and I need to act and work on my craft. I just want to be on stage. F/M doesn't have the most venues, but it does have some. Minneapolis and Duluth have more venues to look into. Wherever I end up, I'm going to find a theatre company and shows to audition for. 
• Getting in shape - I'm so out of shape. I mean really. I know I'm just awkwardly skinny, but that doesn't mean I'm in shape. I do have some muscle/flexibility/endurance. Just not a ton of it. So, I'm going to lose some weight (what?!?!?!) and get in some semblance of shape. 
• Learn to skateboard - Why you ask? "Why not?" is my answer to you. 
• Figure out my sleeping disorder - I know what it is, I know what I can do, it's a matter of finding out what's best and implementing it. 
• Figure out who I am* - I sometimes feel like I don't really know who I am . . . [cue sappy attention seeking music] and I have time to figure myself out as a person. 

Those are just some personal goals/plans I have for myself at this point in time. 


This is going to be a year of big change! I can feel it. I'm ready to get this all going and I'm ready to get out of here. I love being home, I do. I just feel like I've done nothing but sit around since I've been home. Which, admittedly, isn't an awful thing for the first month, taking time for myself and just getting things figured out, but it's time to get things done!


That's all I've really got worth talking about for now. I've covered just about everything I said I was going to. I've covered the rambling, a bit. I didn't give a picture though. One moment.  

There. Three pictures. Not really relevant, but whatever. 


Till next time, goodnight and sleep tight


*may or may not actually happen within the next few months