Never have I felt a quote, even one possibly taken completely out of context, so accurately describes the something resembling a life that is mine. And to the uninformed bystander, it looks like I am some lost soul.
I'm not.
But I am.
[Before I get too far into this post, let me just say that this could possibly be a pretty confusing post . . . because I'm confused about the whole thing too. As seen by the comment above.]
Most days I believe I'm just taking a detour, finding my own way to my own goals. I believe I'm forging my own path and carving out my own place in this world. I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone emptying a niche for me to fill because they think it's best for me. However, if someone wants to give me a pro-tip on something, awesome, I'd take it into consideration. Will I do what they tell recommend? If I think it will benefit me.
Then there are days when I really think I have no idea what I'm doing. At all. I feel like I'm floundering about in life, barely getting by. I look at other people who seem to know exactly what they're doing with their lives and I look like some buffoon in comparison who can't get his act together . Days like this are when I wish someone would lay out a path for me to follow, with step-by-step instructions on how to get to a predetermined endpoint for my life.
And I know I'm definitely not the only person in the world who has ever felt like this.
Part of why I feel like I'm floundering kind of stems from taking a semester off and the resulting mixed reactions I got from people. For the most part, people were cool with it. But then there were the people who didn't understand. At all. They didn't seem to understand I was tired, frustrated, and I just didn't want to be there at this point in my life. But that's already been covered in another post. I was prepared for people not understanding it, but when people mocked my decision, I was not expecting that.
Another reason why I feel like I'm floundering and have no direction in life is because I feel like I've let people down and didn't meet their expectations of what they wanted to do with my life. Which makes me think they think less of me as a person. Which brings me to a nifty anecdote from my youth. So, long before I settled on my chosen life path, I aspired to take over my family's farm. Yeah. Anyway, back when my great-grandmother was, well, dying, my family all kind of came together to say our good-byes and all that fun dying relative stuff. When we weren't inside the apartment, we were out in a gazebo just distracting ourselves with whatever - chess, random little challenging puzzles, etc. Well, after people had asked the eight year old me what I wanted to do when I grew up and was all "Oh, I want to take over the farm," Apparently, when I wasn't present one of my great-uncle's said to other family members that he really hoped I didn't get the farm because I was such a smart kid and if any of our family was going to get out of here, it would be me. And I'd be off doing great things with my life instead of wasting my time down on the farm.
My head almost imploded when I had heard that little story. It sucked. And I felt like I was failing at that.
But when I feel like I'm not failing at life and trying to figure it out (or if I need to remind myself I'm not), I remind myself I'm only nineteen (I'll be twenty in ten days after this post goes up). I'm still growing up. I'm still learning, I'm always learning. I am finding my own way in this world. I just have to remember that. I also need to remind myself I'm not alone, there are so many others out there who are going through what I am.
Taking this time off is honestly one of the best things I've done for myself. I generally feel better about myself, I'm not as frustrated with things, I've discovered parts of myself I knew were there, but never really had time to fully embrace. If I had stayed in school, I would have been very unhappy and I wouldn't have been able to grow as a person.
No where does it say I'm required to have my life planned out by a certain age. And I've accepted that there are some repercussions, if you will. I will be stressed and anxious about it at various times. Life is an adventure, why does there have to be a goal? I'm going to explore this world and go wherever I feel called. No goal. No endgame. My only goal I have is just to be happy.
Good lord, did this post decide to take it's title to heart . . . I went all over the place with this one. I'm honestly tired of writing this post. I've spent far too long it. So long. I need to work on maintaining a steady stream of thought when working on posts that involve me explaining something. I think too far ahead and lose any ideas I have when I go back to the point at hand.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Until next time, g'night and sleep tight.
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