The End

At this moment in my life, I am working, enjoying summer, and preparing to go back to school after a long year and a half. That year and a half not only left me drained, stuck in a rut creatively and intellectually, but it has given me so much motivation to go back to school and be the best Cobber I can be. At this moment, I am a content little Cobber. 

Roughly three years ago, I was a little Freshman at Concordia College. I started this blog as just a way to document my random thoughts, vent, and basically whatever I wanted to write about. As the months wore on, I began to grow lazy about regular, or even semi-regular, posts. In fact, my last post was about seven months ago. Seven. I also started this blog because everyone seems to start one when they get to college and I jumped on that bandwagon. 

Since it has been so long since I've posted, I've decided I'm going to archive this entire blog; it will still exist here in cyberspace for anyone to come back and explore the past. Thank you all for putting up with the silliness that spews out of my mind and enjoying this trip. I have some bits and pieces of posts just waiting to be finished, so those will be added to my new blog, over on WordPress

It's time for me to move on to a new adventure somewhere else and if you care to follow, I would love the traveling companions.

Again, thanks for taking this ride with me.

For the final time here, g'night and sleep tight. 

Angst

I've been unusually angsty, for lack of a better word, the past few days. And I have no reason to be. Everything in my life is going pretty well. I have a job, a house, great friends, a relationship, I'm not dying, I have white male privilege; I have no legitimate reason to be in such a down mood. 

I just don't know why I'm so upset and stuck inside my head. But I guess this is nothing new for me. I tend to slip into this kind of mood where nothing can cheer me up regardless of how well things in my life are going frequently.

I literally just rolled my eyes at myself for this blog post and I'm only two paragraphs and an image in. I swear I'm not seeking attention. Just need to express some thoughts. 

A good friend of mine tells me I brood too much. Especially if I'm left alone for too long and/or spend too much time inside (alone). I don't mean to . . . I'm not even aware I'm doing it. And I suppose it's true. However, I don't know if this is just a me thing or if everyone's the same way. So maybe I'm just being a normal human being.

Or I'm not.

My sleep doctor doesn't seem to think this is normal. At my last appointment with her, I mentioned how I tend to be on edge, anxious, or feeling some other strong emotion, generally without any obvious reason, and she decided to send me to a mental health specialist. Just to see if there is something deeper going on inside my head that messes with my already weird sleep cycle.

So, next month (it should have been today but was rescheduled by the doctor) I'll visit with some doctor who will probably ask me a bunch of questions and based of off my answers may or may not diagnose me with some mood disorder. I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Or not. Depending on what the diagnosis is, if any. Which I'm fairly certain there is something going on, just not sure what, because people just aren't as whatever it is I am.

So yeah, I'm feeling angsty, I'm not sure why, I would like it to stop, and that's basically about it.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Dreams, Again

I've been remembering an unusual amount of dreams lately. I have no idea why or how. From everything I've heard about dreams, you forget ninety percent of them within ten minutes of waking up or something like that (this is a blog, not a research paper).

And a majority of those dreams are incredibly violent and graphic. And I'm not sure whether I should be concerned or not.

The first memorable dream I'm putting into this group actually happened during this summer. I remember a large chunk of what happened, roughly six months later. I was kidnapped and held hostage by this couple who wanted to hold me hostage for some random reason. It was in a very, very nice mansion with many, many rooms and the couple was clearly wealthy. I somehow managed to escape, met up with a friend, possibly at random, tried to return home, but the best laid plans of mice and men. I was captured again. I'm pretty sure my friend was killed for trying to help me get home.

At some point, my mom managed to figure out where I was and came to my rescue. She got into a physical altercation with the couple holding me hostage and totally won. We left the house, got into my mom's car, and started to drive down the driveway. Unfortunately, the couple had other ideas (they REALLY wanted to keep me locked up) and detonated a landmine or something outside the passenger side of the car. It was a massive explosion.

I died.

And the dream continued. My mom survived and either went back up to the house to get revenge or she made a break for it to prepare for a bigger fight.

The second dream worth mentioning happened maybe a week and a half or so ago. I don't remember a ton from this one, but the main thing I remember happening was being shot in the chest, at I think point-blank range, and having my back basically blown off. There was a massive exit wound between my shoulder blades. It was gruesome to say the least.

And again, I died. And the dream continued after I died.

The next dream happened a few days after the second. I'm pretty sure I didn't die this time around, which is progress, but I was still pretty banged up. This dream involved cars. And trees. The only pairing that goes better together than cars and trees is peanut butter and jelly.  I think I was trying to escape from somebody or a group of somebodies and there may have been a passenger in my car as well. At whatever point, I ended up being run off the road and head first into tree. Airbags deployed. It's also possible that after the car accident, I might have been taken captive?

Super specific details are a little fuzzy, but I'm impressed I remember even that much.

The most recent dream was from maybe two nights ago. Surprise, surprise, I was being held hostage. I wasn't the only hostage this time around though and the three of us planned a daring escape. Which ended poorly - we were found out. We were being chased through yet another mansion (I clearly have a thing for dreaming about mansions) while being shot at. The three of us ended up becoming separated and our captors managed to gain some high ground in the form of the second floor. Being shot at from above isn't an enjoyable thing, especially with few good hiding places. Our captors tried to weed us out, which came pretty close to working. Actually, it did work. We were trying to regroup and we ran into two of our captors while the third began shooting at us from above.

And that's all I remember before I woke up.

It feels like these dreams are fairly interconnected, which is a weird concept. But if they are, how do I explain the one where I die from a gun shot fits into the grand scheme of things? And why do I keep dying? And when I'm not dying, why am I getting hurt? Should I be concerned? Another interesting thing I've notice is that these dreams all feel very . . . cinematic or theatrical in the way they are presented. Like, they'd be scenes straight out of a movie or a TV show.

I was telling my friend about these dreams and he said I needed a Xanax or something to calm me down because it sounded to him like I was pretty stressed out. I told him that my mind was literally killing me because of how stressed I apparently am. Which I thought was the cleverest thing ever. I still do. Don't judge me.

But those are just dreams and I honestly don't hold much to the idea of dream interpretation and are probably just a result of my overactive imagination releasing some pent up creativity . . . in a very violent way to force me to create things again.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Currently

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. I have about six or seven posts on the back burner, waiting for me to finish them. If ever. Some of them are kind of old at this point, but I can make them work. Some are just too personal and I'm afraid of finishing them and unleashing them onto the scary playground that is the internet.

But telling you what I'm withholding isn't why I'm working on this post. This post is to just talk about my life as of now, because why not . . . and it's been a long while since I've posted anything.

As of right now, I am typing this post in my bed, in my bedroom, in my house, otherwise known as Backstage. It's fantastic. However, my room is a little messy. My stuff is all over the place. It's not pretty. At all. I'm procrastinating on cleaning and putting everything away. 

I finally earned my driver's license this summer. It only took me two tries at the permit test and one behind the wheel test. AND I passed that part wonderfully. I had never parallel parked before the test and I pretty much aced it. It was great.I have a job. I am a full time DSP (Direct Service Professional) for Solutions I work with people who have behavioral and mental disorders. I have to thank a few friends for pushing me to apply here. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be stuck making minimum wage flipping burgers, making America fatter one Big Mac at a time. Or worse - unemployed.

And this is just a minor little thing, but my sleeping habits have been odd. I mean, odder than usual. For whatever reason, I've been having trouble sleeping soundly through the night. It's peculiar because I'm usually really good about sleeping straight through the night . . . and just about everything else. Maybe something's bothering me and keeping me up. Not really sure.

OH! I was in a movie! Yep. That's a thing. Rather, that was a thing, filming's done. I was in a horror movie. It was an experience and a half. It was submitted for consideration for the Fargo Film Festival, so that'll be something to tell my grandkids someday (or not). Totally worth it though.

I also ran soundboard for a show at a theatre that WASN'T at a high school OR a college -  it was a big kid theatre (Theatre B), where big kid actors act. I just auditioned for their next show, Sweet Nothings: A (Grim) Fairytale. And if this one doesn't work out, there are a bunch more auditions coming up in the next few weeks. I JUST WANT TO ACT! That's not too much to ask for, right?

I've also started seeing someone. We've been together for about a month. That's all I say about that.

I'm currently working on re-enrolling for school, which will be great for me to get back to school. I honestly do miss it, but I'm so grateful for taking the year off. It was a much need break from being a real person.

And that's my life. More or less. I'm probably glossing over something, but apparently it isn't important enough to mention.

So, yeah, sorry for the lack of anything, I just didn't really feel motivated or inspired or whatever is needed for writing a blog post.

Until next time (which will be soon), g'night and sleep tight. 

Habitat

Good news, everyone!

I'm getting a house! Rather, my family's getting a house! It's kind of a big deal.

Since about the summer before my Junior year of high school, my mom, brother, sisters, and myself moved in with my grandparents. In their two bedroom house.

It's a tight squeeze.

The basic sleeping arrangements are my grandparents in their room, my sisters in the other room, and my mom, brother and myself in the living room. That's changed a few times, but for the most part, that's where everyone sleeps while we're here. When my siblings go to their dad's, my mom tends to stay at the hotel she works at because it's convenient for her since she's an assistant manager and she's always around if someone messes something up or needs help. With the four of them gone, I'll take the other room, which is basically a mattress on the floor in a room full clothes and other stuff belonging to my family.

Now, it's not like we've liked being a burden upon my grandparents. We actually really dislike it. My mom has looked on and off for the years we've been living at my grandparents' place. Houses are kind of expensive. My mom has a family of five to care for. She works as much as she can. But there are bills to pay, things to buy, and so on and so forth.

But lo and behold, things come along at unexpected times. A few months ago, my grandmother read in our local paper that there was a house going to be built for a family in need through Habitat for Humanity. I forwarded the clipping to my mother and she hummed and hawed about applying (as my mother tends to do), but eventually she put in an application to be considered for the house.

Then we waited. I think we waited for a few weeks before we heard for sure whether or not we would be the one's receiving the house. But through some good fortune and our current situation (and the fact that I think we were the only family to apply), we were chosen as the family to receive the house.

The house that is being built is awesome. It's nothing fancy, but it's a place my family can call home. Finally. We've been kind of a bunch of drifters for years now. A neat thing about this house is that we get to have a hand in building the place we'll be living - we're required to put in so many hours of work on the house. And any of the work our friends and other family do counts toward our hours. So, really, it's a labor of great love and compassion.

And here are some obligatory pictures of the house so far:

And that is after about a month of work. Give or take. They say that we'll (er, rather, my mom and siblings) will be able to move into the house either toward the end of August or the beginning of September. Ideally, it would be before school starts.

So yeah, that's the big news I have and never bothered telling anyone till now. I think I only told one or two people and even then only one knew anything in depth.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight

Desiderata

I stumbled my way onto this poem (written in prose) and after reading it a few times, I feel like it summarizes my life philosophy. I'm very glad I stumbled my way onto this poem and I wanted to share it with you guys because this blog is where I can share longer things that I can't on Facebook or Twitter.

Desiderata (Latin for "desired things") was written by Max Erhmann in 1927. Any and all rights belong to him and his estate.

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. 

I know this probably isn't the most accurate format, but I've run into so many different formatting styles for this poem and I went with the one I felt best fit the poem.

So yeah, this is a neat little poem; I'm glad I stumbled upon it.

And with that, g'night and sleep tight.

Direction[less]

"Not all those who wander are lost;"
Never have I felt a quote, even one possibly taken completely out of context, so accurately describes the something resembling a life that is mine. And to the uninformed bystander, it looks like I am some lost soul.

I'm not. 
But I am.

It really all depends on the day for me.

[Before I get too far into this post, let me just say that this could possibly be a pretty confusing post . . . because I'm confused about the whole thing too. As seen by the comment above.]

Most days I believe I'm just taking a detour, finding my own way to my own goals. I believe I'm forging my own path and carving out my own place in this world. I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone emptying a niche for me to fill because they think it's best for me. However, if someone wants to give me a pro-tip on something, awesome, I'd take it into consideration. Will I do what they tell recommend? If I think it will benefit me.

Then there are days when I really think I have no idea what I'm doing. At all. I feel like I'm floundering about in life, barely getting by. I look at other people who seem to know exactly what they're doing with their lives and I look like some buffoon in comparison who can't get his act together . Days like this are when I wish someone would lay out a path for me to follow, with step-by-step instructions on how to get to a predetermined endpoint for my life.

And I know I'm definitely not the only person in the world who has ever felt like this.

Part of why I feel like I'm floundering kind of stems from taking a semester off and the resulting mixed reactions I got from people. For the most part, people were cool with it. But then there were the people who didn't understand. At all. They didn't seem to understand I was tired, frustrated, and I just didn't want to be there at this point in my life. But that's already been covered in another post. I was prepared for people not understanding it, but when people mocked my decision, I was not expecting that. 

Another reason why I feel like I'm floundering and have no direction in life is because I feel like I've let people down and didn't meet their expectations of what they wanted to do with my life. Which makes me think they think less of me as a person. Which brings me to a nifty anecdote from my youth. So, long before I settled on my chosen life path, I aspired to take over my family's farm. Yeah. Anyway, back when my great-grandmother was, well, dying, my family all kind of came together to say our good-byes and all that fun dying relative stuff. When we weren't inside the apartment, we were out in a gazebo just distracting ourselves with whatever - chess, random little challenging puzzles, etc. Well, after people had asked the eight year old me what I wanted to do when I grew up and was all "Oh, I want to take over the farm," Apparently, when I wasn't present one of my great-uncle's said to other family members that he really hoped I didn't get the farm because I was such a smart kid and if any of our family was going to get out of here, it would be me. And I'd be off doing great things with my life instead of wasting my time down on the farm. 

My head almost imploded when I had heard that little story. It sucked. And I felt like I was failing at that.

But when I feel like I'm not failing at life and trying to figure it out (or if I need to remind myself I'm not), I remind myself I'm only nineteen (I'll be twenty in ten days after this post goes up). I'm still growing up. I'm still learning, I'm always learning. I am finding my own way in this world. I just have to remember that. I also need to remind myself I'm not alone, there are so many others out there who are going through what I am. 
Taking this time off is honestly one of the best things I've done for myself. I generally feel better about myself, I'm not as frustrated with things, I've discovered parts of myself I knew were there, but never really had time to fully embrace. If I had stayed in school, I would have been very unhappy and I wouldn't have been able to grow as a person. 
No where does it say I'm required to have my life planned out by a certain age. And I've accepted that there are some repercussions, if you will. I will be stressed and anxious about it at various times.  Life is an adventure, why does there have to be a goal? I'm going to explore this world and go wherever I feel called. No goal. No endgame. My only goal I have is just to be happy. 

Good lord, did this post decide to take it's title to heart . . . I went all over the place with this one. I'm honestly tired of writing this post. I've spent far too long it. So long. I need to work on maintaining a steady stream of thought when working on posts that involve me explaining something. I think too far ahead and lose any ideas I have when I go back to the point at hand.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Until next time, g'night and sleep tight.