A Dilemma

Greetings and salutations. 


So, I've reached an impasse, a moral dilemma really, with this whole blog thing. Way back when I first started this blog, I decided to be honest and open, with not only myself, but to those of you who take time out of your day to read my humble little blog. I think I've done a relatively good job of doing that. 

That handy dandy picture brings me to the point of this blog, in an overarching, general kind of way. It's come to my attention that I don't always express everything I could on this blog. And that I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing, but that's another issue entirely. 


I suppose the reason why I don't open up about absolutely everything I would like to write about on here is generally for the sake and benefit of others. Which isn't fair to me. It impairs my honesty. It ultimately puts a limit on what I can and can't publish. I mean, I suppose I do it for myself, too. I'm kind of afraid of what could possibly come up if I publish something that hasn't exactly been talked about in person. 


For example, I have a post in reserve I would kind of love to publish, but haven't because it was written at what I'd consider a personal low moment for myself and the content matter hasn't really been addressed by those involved. I wouldn't be posting it for attention (because it could read that way to some people) or whatever, but I would really like to bring to light an issue that I don't really hear too much about. Plus, it's very emotionally heavy. I, for whatever reason, have fallen into this habit of posting blogs of that nature. I would really like to post some lighter, funnier posts before I throw that one into the fray. 


It's not just here, on my blog, but it's on all of my social media type accounts. 


And I mean, I have no problem not posting everything about myself. There are some things in my life I'd rather keep off of the internet and some things I haven't quite figured out about myself, which may or may not be unusual for an almost twenty year old, and yes, I can call myself that because my birthday is in two months. 


ALSO. This has absolutely nothing to do with the content of the posts, but how they look. I don't know what's going on and why it does this, but it really irritates me. For some odd reason, the spacing of the paragraphs tends to be larger than what I want and intended. Say I press the enter key twice, to create a new section, the post will decide I pressed it fifty times and send the next section half way down the page. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT DOES THAT. <--- That was me raging, in case you missed that. 


Anyway, to briefly summarize, I'm not completely honest and open out of fear of the repercussions I'd experience of what I post. BAM.

Also, this: 

Here's where I mix things up a bit. I want some feedback. Do I give the fear I have the figurative middle finger and post whatever I want regardless of what anyone says or do I not. 
And while I'm mixing things up, I want to hear what you want to read about! Let me know what you think I could write a good post about, what you want me address, whatever. Let's try to keep it relatively appropriate, but other than that, anything! 
I am genuinely curious as to what you guys think about that issue and what you want to read. Let me know!


So, yeah! That's that. I don't really have too much left to say about this. I've already rambled enough on this.

Alright then, until next time, goodnight and sleep tight.

Some Goals

Greetings and salutations.


Well, after that last blog post, I figure I'd lighten the mood a bit by just rambling for a bit. The rambling will probably consist of me updating everyone on stuff, which includes even more decisions, putting down some goals I have for this year, and just some random nonsense accompanied by some humour, if you find things I write to be funny. If you don't, it will just be random nonsense where I attempt to be funny. Also, pictures. Maybe pictures.  


Anyway, after putting in even MORE applications, I've gotten as far as . . . what's would be an accurate comparison? From say, the Carl to the theatre on Concordia's campus. For any non Cobbers reading this, that isn't very far at all. I've either not heard back from places, they aren't hiring full time right now, they're only hiring part time, they're cleaning out all of their seasonal workers, or they just won't give me the time of day. 


Because I lack experience. 


Which is silly if you ask me. If you want me to have experience, why not hire me so I can get experience. I mean, it's not really that hard.
I did, however, go to interview for a job at Eddie Bauer . . . which turned out to be a meager part time job that was only five to ten hours a week. I couldn't support myself off of that. I'd need like, two more part jobs to even come close to making what I need to live over in Fargo.
Speaking of Fargo . . . things aren't quite working out the way I'd like them to. That means I'm going to have to start looking elsewhere. And by elsewhere, I've been thinking of places like Duluth, Minneapolis, Grand Forks, and even around home. Each has it's advantages. Duluth has UMD, which has a good theatre program, or so I'm told, and on a personal level, a friend said she thinks I'd do well there and in Duluth. Minneapolis is home to so much theatre. So much, in fact, that it's the third largest theatre hub (a word I use very loosely as I can't think of the proper term) in the country. Rumour has it there are some theatre schools down there worth looking at. Grand Forks is the closest to Moorhead and Concordia out of these places. Home is good because it's a definite place to live. Then there's Fargo. But that's been covered. 

Anyway, that's that update about my semester off thus far. And I'm done with that.
Now for some goals I've gone and set for myself for this year. Don't call them resolutions, I don't do that nonsense, just like I don't do Lent. At least one of these is kind of a seasonal thing and since I live in Minnesota, there's snow . . . sort of. Beside the point. So, some of my goals/plans for this year include: 

• Writing - I use to write stuff all the time. Just about none of it survived to see the light of day. I was always incredibly critical of what I wrote and would just scrap it. So, I'm going to try and save what I write and maybe post some of it here. I've never written a script before, so I might try my hand at writing a play script. 
• Audition - For professional shows. I haven't had a sizable role in a while and I need to act and work on my craft. I just want to be on stage. F/M doesn't have the most venues, but it does have some. Minneapolis and Duluth have more venues to look into. Wherever I end up, I'm going to find a theatre company and shows to audition for. 
• Getting in shape - I'm so out of shape. I mean really. I know I'm just awkwardly skinny, but that doesn't mean I'm in shape. I do have some muscle/flexibility/endurance. Just not a ton of it. So, I'm going to lose some weight (what?!?!?!) and get in some semblance of shape. 
• Learn to skateboard - Why you ask? "Why not?" is my answer to you. 
• Figure out my sleeping disorder - I know what it is, I know what I can do, it's a matter of finding out what's best and implementing it. 
• Figure out who I am* - I sometimes feel like I don't really know who I am . . . [cue sappy attention seeking music] and I have time to figure myself out as a person. 

Those are just some personal goals/plans I have for myself at this point in time. 


This is going to be a year of big change! I can feel it. I'm ready to get this all going and I'm ready to get out of here. I love being home, I do. I just feel like I've done nothing but sit around since I've been home. Which, admittedly, isn't an awful thing for the first month, taking time for myself and just getting things figured out, but it's time to get things done!


That's all I've really got worth talking about for now. I've covered just about everything I said I was going to. I've covered the rambling, a bit. I didn't give a picture though. One moment.  

There. Three pictures. Not really relevant, but whatever. 


Till next time, goodnight and sleep tight


*may or may not actually happen within the next few months

An Explanation

This is probably going to be one the hardest things I've written . . . mostly because it's about a huge decision I've made. 

So, as many of you know, I am a Sophomore at Concordia College. I am a Cobber and proud of it. I am majoring in Theatre and English Writing. I made the decision to go to college straight out of high school. I thought it would work and I'd be fine. 

Well, it isn't working. 

I'm not fine.

Let me say I am glad I went to Concordia. I'm proud of the fact I went to college, the first in my family. I like college, I'm glad I'm going, but I'm just worn out from going to school for thirteen years, then hopping into four more years of school. 

I'm worn out. 

I need a break. 

With that, I've decided I am going to take my Spring semester off. This effects me in a few ways. I will not be graduating in May of 2014 like I would if I did not take the semester off, however if those Mayans are right, we won't make it past 2012 anyway < rim shot >. I will, hopefully, be graduating instead in December of 2014.  I will also have to start paying off grants and loans and all that money I borrowed since I will no longer be a full time student (I think so anyway. I have to talk to the financial aid office about loan payback).

Now, I know several people who have taken time off and just sat around doing nothing. I'm not going to be one of those people. I've already submitted a bunch of applications to businesses around the F/M area (ten at the last count and I started applying on Friday) and I've also started requesting information on apartments in Fargo. It won't be anything fancy, just a studio apartment (which is kind of my ideal place of residence actually just not as small as the ones I'm looking at) because they're cheap. I'm hoping to have all of this settled and squared away before February, ideally sometime mid-January. So instead of being a full time student, I will be working full time, and in all honesty, I think would give me more time to focus on me. Which I haven't been able to do. 

Yes, I realize many, many, many other people did go to college right out of high school and it works for them. Kudos to you, I don't want to hear any lectures about that. It hasn't been working for me. It's my education, my future, my decision, so I just ask that no one tries to tell me I'm just being x, y, or z about whatever it is you may think about my decision. I'm open to any disagreements you may have about it, but please don't try to talk me out of it. I'm not the type of person who will do something for the approval of others. I'm doing this for me and not for anybody else. 

There is one thing I do ask for though and that's support. This was a really difficult decision to make and not one I made lightly. I've been thinking about it since this past summer when I considered taking Fall semester off. If you can't support and don't agree with me, then just respect my decision and don't think differently of me, I'm doing what's best for me. It's not like I'm dropping out and leaving school entirely.

There is also another thing concerning my education that I can think about during my semester away. Not long ago, I began looking at theatre conservatories and other schools with really good theatre programs. At first I was considering attending grad school at these places, however, I've ruled out grad school. At least for the time being. I don't intend to go after I graduate college. Anyway, looking at these schools planted them into my thoughts and these thoughts grew into more plausible ideas. And if you're intelligent, you've probably already deduced that I mean transfer. I haven't committed to anything, I've just been contemplating it, but I haven't had any real time to deeply think about it. I honestly don't know whether I will transfer or not, but I'm definitely going to have to think about it. 


In the long run, this semester away will help me refocus, recharge, and find what I've lost. All I need is time, and since I have time to do it, I'm doing it. This will also give me a chance to try my hand at doing the whole legitimate working actor thing. Once I'm settled and everything, I'll be exploring Fargo's drama scene and sticking my foot in the door. 

Wow, okay, that was a bit more rambling than I intended. I hope this explains things relatively well, and if not, just ask me. Most of you know how to get a hold of me.


Until next time, goodnight and sleep tight


SIDENOTE: Please excuse the odd formatting that pops up in some spots. I guess Blogspot is just too smart for me to try and fix.

The Dream

Greetings and salutations.


So, last night, I had the most ridiculous dream I've had in a while that I can remember. I was curious to see what the things in my dream meant, so that's what this post is about. 


In my dream, I was chilling in my room, at school. I was with some friends just doing whatever and my door was open because it just was. One of my friends walked by and I saw him and we talked for a while, nothing memorable. Now, the craziness starts. He left and I noticed that he was walking from one end of the hallway to the other, looking into my room every time he passed it. I was like, "Huh" and just kept on chilling. Suddenly, another of the dorms DA's (Dorm Advisor) walked into the doorway and I said "Hi" and turned back around. I heard a loud BANG. She had shot me. In the part of the back between the shoulder blades. Someone had the bright idea of just putting something over the wound till later (which never came by the way).  

Some time passed and I was with my grandparents eating a meal in a restaurant. Normal stuff. I still had the gauze tail hanging from my back. I went to the bathroom and came out to find my good friend Yeatsy chilling at the counter (it was a diner-esque type place) and I went up and started talking to her. After I was done eating, I decided to hang out Yeatsy, so I said goodbye to grandparents and Yeatsy and I ended up in a cab, which was driven by her aunt (or her mom, I can't recall which) and had her sister in the back seat. We started heading back to town when suddenly there was lava! We drove over a little bit of it. We kept going. We ended up driving through a huge lava flow (car went under and all that). We freaked out and kept on going. 

At some point, the lava turned into this mechanical looking goo type stuff . . . I can't even describe it . . . the point was stuff had gone super bizarre. We somehow ended up in space. I don't quite understand it. But we started flying past all of these weird space things. 

We started flying through some battles happening. The participants of these battles were aliens, I think they were the Borg from Star Trek (yes, I know some Star Trek stuff . . . and that's about it) and Batman. Yeah, Batman was there. In space. We flew overhead of this battle and saw Batman take out a few of his opponents. 

We kept soaring through space when I saw my dog. I don't know what she was doing there. Or how she was there, all I know is I had to rescue her from space. So I did just that. I rescued her. Eventually we ended up at this pet store. I really have no idea how I ended up there. We were unwinding from our crazy adventures in space. I was looking at the fish and I saw this gorgeous betta with giant flowing fins and I wanted it . . . and then I woke up. 


So, I looked as much of this stuff up as I could in a dream interpretation type thing and this is what I ended up with (courtesy of this website):

• Being shot represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of .
• Bandages indicate your need to heal. You may be feeling emotionally wounded and are trying to cover/shield your hurt from others. 
• Seeing a naked back in your dream symbolizes secrets that you may have kept from others or aspects of yourself that you have kept hidden and shielded away. 
• Seeing your grandparents in your dream symbolize love, security, wisdom and protection.
• Seeing friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.
• Dreaming that you are in a cab indicates that you are being taken for a ride. Someone is taking advantage of you.
• Sitting in the backseat of a car suggests that you are no longer in control of your life. You may be feeling overpowered, dominated and being told what to do. You need to start taking back control of your life.
• Lava in your dream signifies violent anger which you have kept inside for a period of time.
• Dreaming that you are in space represents exploration and independent thinking. You are broadening your horizons and view. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are "spacing out". You need to return your concentration back on your future and goals. Or the dream may be a pun on your need for more "space" in a relationship or situation. 
• Seeing spaceship in your dream symbolizes your creative mind. It denotes a spiritual journey into the unknown and signals self-development and self-awareness. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to take on a different perspective, no matter how bizarre or unusual it may be.
• Batman in your dream suggests that you need to utilize your wits and resources in order to help yourself or others. Perhaps your are not maximizing your full potential. You need to unleash the power from within. Stop looking for shortcuts to get you where you want. Alternatively, the dream implies that there is some wrongdoing that you need to rectify (I was amazed when they had an entry on Batman).
• Aliens in your dream signify that you are having difficulties adapting and adjusting to your new surroundings. You are feeling "alienated" and disconnected. You may also be having difficulties with how to handle or deal with a certain situation or person. On a psychological level, seeing aliens represent an encounter with an unfamiliar or neglected aspect of your own self.
• A dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten.
• A betta fish in your dream indicates that thoughts from your unconscious is close to emerging to the surface. You are ready to confront your repressed thoughts. If there are two betta fish in your dream, then it signifies conflicting issues that you are dealing with.

So . . . basically, I have some issues to work out. If you hold much stock to dream interpretation.

Sorry this post is incredibly long! I didn't plan it that way. Hopefully you'll read or at least skim through the dream and look at what my dream might have meant.

Until next time, goodnight and sleep tight

Honesty

Greetings and salutations!


I have been feeling very honest as of late. I feel like sharing some truths about myself. So here goes.


Truth #1: I'm not honest about myself. 
Okay, so that sounds really bad. Let me explain. I'll tell the truth, if it isn't about me. If something is up with me, I won't talk about it. Usually. Sometimes I just reach a point and just blow passive aggressiveness all over everybody. But if someone asks me if somethings wrong, I'll say something like "It's nothing," "I'm fine, don't worry about it," and other things of that nature. I won't go into details all the time about certain things because I'd rather keep them to myself. I'm sure that's a very vague answer, but that's the best way I can explain it. 


Truth #2: I swear. Like a sailor.
I'm not going to go around and swear in front of everybody. That's not appropriate. I refuse to swear in front of my family, mostly because my siblings are at that age (teenagers) where they'll see me doing things and try to do it themselves and use me as an excuse. My brother pulls that stunt enough already. I don't need him going over to his dad's house and swearing up a storm and blaming me for it. My sisters are starting to become more like that as well, mostly through my brother and by extension, me. I also refuse to swear on places like Facebook, Twitter, this blog, or anywhere the public can see it. It's called maintaining a (quasi) professional image. Try it sometime, kids. 


Truth #3: My majors are not up for debate.
I've had to justify my majors several times already over break. No one understood I wasn't majoring in Theatre for the money. I'm not naive enough to think I'll be making millions as an actor, unless I choose to pursue a film . . . which is still a long shot. I'm doing it to be happy. That's my justification of it. I'm sick of being told I need a back up and not having any support for my goals. I can honestly make plenty of money for myself to be happy and comfortable with life. I can also write, I will have an English Writing major, too. I could write for a high profile newspaper, magazine, whatever. It's not like I won't have a job. It will probably be in a restaurant (ha ha, Theeatre major jokes). There. End of story.


Truth #4: I'm sick of being looked at differently because of my sleeping habits.
I know I've already touched upon this a few times, but it's a persistent thing. I have tried just about everything to try and keep an earlier bedtime. It doesn't (see that contraction? It means not) stick. My sleep schedule is pretty consistent; sleeping anywhere between 2:30 and 3:30, awake between 11:00 and noon. Because for whatever reason, I have the hardest time waking up anytime before about seven hours of sleep. I feel miserable and incredibly drowsy all day, but I won't fall asleep anytime earlier. Every so often I'll fall into a regular sleep pattern, but it doesn't stay for very long. My sleep schedule works for me. Does it harm anybody else? No. I present a challenge to anyone. If you want to take it, contact me. 


Truth #5: I'm a pacifist. And a conscientious objector. 
I don't support violence. I don't support war. Pretty simple (I do support those who do choose to serve in war though. My grandfather was a Marine and in the Air Force and my uncle was in the Air Force, too).


Truth #6: I'll probably never be a dad.
It's not that I can't have them or that I don't like kids. I can and do. I just have a few things with my own father and all that fun stuff. I'd rather not risk something like that happening to a child I'd bring into the world. I'm not saying it will happen, I'd honestly feel better not trying and having to worry about that whole thing (Sidenote: I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the whole thing with my dad before. It's in here somewhere. Scavenger hunt time). I mean, how fair would it be to either me or the offspring I'd sire if it were to happen? It'd be really unfair to the kid, that's for sure. If I were to ever resolve the issues between the two of us, I'd probably reconsider the whole child thing. 


That's really I have for now. I will probably add more as I see fit, so be sure to keep an eye on this post. At least the corner of an eye. 


Until next time, goodnight and sleep tight

The Anniversary

Greetings and salutations!

This post is a very, very special post. Yes indeed. This time one year ago was when I wrote my very first post (which can be found here if you want to relive the glory that has been my blog).

My how times have changed.

I am now a Sophomore. I now have a room all to my self, aside from random creatures named Orwell and Bronte. They keep me company . . . as much company as two fish can provide. Faustus has left us for a better place in case any of you remember him. He passed (read: jumped from his bowl) at the end of second semester last spring. We were barely home a week when he went on to the big fishbowl in the sky. Bronte is a recent addition to my world. She too is a betta fish. I purchased her on a whim recently and I will probably leave her at home after break . . . like many other beasts my family has come into possession of over the years.

I am currently packing/cleaning/finishing up my first semester of Sophomore year here at Concordia. And wow, what a semester it's been. I have something planned which will talk about first semester and other such things. It's going to get really honest up in here, really fast (said as ethnically (read: black) as possible (is that P.C? Eh, who cares. I'm going with it).


Speaking of truths, I really only needed to post this special anniversary blog and didn't really have anything else planned for it. So, thank you, dear readers, how ever many there are of you. Thank you for reading and sticking with the random, inconsistent, nonsensical, ramblings of this night owl. I hope you'll continue reading and sticking with me for another glorious year of late nights.


Until next time, goodnight and sleep tight.

Sleep, Again

Greetings and salutations.


Alright kids. I've already posted a post about this subject . . . but things have changed and new twists have been added to the fun game that is my sleeping habits. I don't want to sound like a broken record about the whole sleeping disorder thing, but well, this is a space where I put some of my thoughts and sleep happens to be on my mind frequently. 


As previously mentioned in my first post about this particular subject, as found here if you need a refresher course, I mentioned Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. DSPS is a circadian rhythm disorder and like the name implies (context clues, kids), my sleep is delayed. What that means for me is I have trouble naturally falling asleep before two or three in the morning. It's basically impossible . . . unless I'm just exhausted or have been up all night without any sleep. When I wrote the first post, I wasn't specifically diagnosed with anything, it was all speculation and self-diagnosis, which I don't do often. After seeing a sleep doctor, who is wonderful and I really like her, I was given the diagnosis of DSPS. Which was a huge relief for me because I now have someone who specializes in sleep telling me there is something wrong.


Oh, and did I mention she also diagnosed me with psychophysiological insomnia? Because she did. 


From what my doctor has told me, psychophysiological insomnia is caused by high levels of stress and anxiety. My particular stress and anxiety came from my sleep, my attempts to force myself to sleep before I was ready to, my anxiety over my inability to fix and control my sleep, and my reactions to other people commenting on my sleeping habits . . . which were mostly critical (and brought on even more issues for me).


And what am I doing to accommodate my unusual sleeping schedule and school? Well, I have two classes each day and the classes don't start until after noon thirty. Which has worked out relatively okay. I mean, I've missed classes, but my professors know what's up and that it's somewhat out of my control. I'm also on a prescription sleep aid . . . not a sleeping pill. My doctor put me on trazodone, which is actually an anti-depressant, to induce drowsiness, which will help me fall asleep sooner. It's been okay so far, I haven't had any really adverse reactions to it. My jaw would be locked when I woke up and would pop when I tried to open past a certain point. That hurt. I told my doctor about this and she said that it was probably me clenching my jaw at night that caused the locking and that it was probably a side effect of the pill, since I've never had this problem before.


But the combination of the DSPS and insomnia is an interesting mix . . . I've noticed I've been falling asleep later than I normally would (which is already late for polite society). I've also fallen into a bizarre habit of crashing at like eight or nine in the evenings and waking up again at say, two or three in the morning, staying up till about eleven, crashing again, and waking up for class . . . this has been me for the past week. I blame Grease. But not really . . . kind of.

Speaking of the Fine Arts, during my initial meeting with my doctor, we were talking about what I was studying in school. When I mentioned I was a Theatre and English Writing double major, she was like "As much a night owl as you are, that's perfect for you." She meant perfect in the sense I wouldn't have to worry too much about the whole 9-5 shift nonsense. She also didn't say those exact words, I was getting to the essence of what she meant.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say about this at the time being. I'll keep the world updated with my sleep stuff as I have more to say about it. 


With that, goodnight and sleep tight.