Angst

I've been unusually angsty, for lack of a better word, the past few days. And I have no reason to be. Everything in my life is going pretty well. I have a job, a house, great friends, a relationship, I'm not dying, I have white male privilege; I have no legitimate reason to be in such a down mood. 

I just don't know why I'm so upset and stuck inside my head. But I guess this is nothing new for me. I tend to slip into this kind of mood where nothing can cheer me up regardless of how well things in my life are going frequently.

I literally just rolled my eyes at myself for this blog post and I'm only two paragraphs and an image in. I swear I'm not seeking attention. Just need to express some thoughts. 

A good friend of mine tells me I brood too much. Especially if I'm left alone for too long and/or spend too much time inside (alone). I don't mean to . . . I'm not even aware I'm doing it. And I suppose it's true. However, I don't know if this is just a me thing or if everyone's the same way. So maybe I'm just being a normal human being.

Or I'm not.

My sleep doctor doesn't seem to think this is normal. At my last appointment with her, I mentioned how I tend to be on edge, anxious, or feeling some other strong emotion, generally without any obvious reason, and she decided to send me to a mental health specialist. Just to see if there is something deeper going on inside my head that messes with my already weird sleep cycle.

So, next month (it should have been today but was rescheduled by the doctor) I'll visit with some doctor who will probably ask me a bunch of questions and based of off my answers may or may not diagnose me with some mood disorder. I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Or not. Depending on what the diagnosis is, if any. Which I'm fairly certain there is something going on, just not sure what, because people just aren't as whatever it is I am.

So yeah, I'm feeling angsty, I'm not sure why, I would like it to stop, and that's basically about it.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Dreams, Again

I've been remembering an unusual amount of dreams lately. I have no idea why or how. From everything I've heard about dreams, you forget ninety percent of them within ten minutes of waking up or something like that (this is a blog, not a research paper).

And a majority of those dreams are incredibly violent and graphic. And I'm not sure whether I should be concerned or not.

The first memorable dream I'm putting into this group actually happened during this summer. I remember a large chunk of what happened, roughly six months later. I was kidnapped and held hostage by this couple who wanted to hold me hostage for some random reason. It was in a very, very nice mansion with many, many rooms and the couple was clearly wealthy. I somehow managed to escape, met up with a friend, possibly at random, tried to return home, but the best laid plans of mice and men. I was captured again. I'm pretty sure my friend was killed for trying to help me get home.

At some point, my mom managed to figure out where I was and came to my rescue. She got into a physical altercation with the couple holding me hostage and totally won. We left the house, got into my mom's car, and started to drive down the driveway. Unfortunately, the couple had other ideas (they REALLY wanted to keep me locked up) and detonated a landmine or something outside the passenger side of the car. It was a massive explosion.

I died.

And the dream continued. My mom survived and either went back up to the house to get revenge or she made a break for it to prepare for a bigger fight.

The second dream worth mentioning happened maybe a week and a half or so ago. I don't remember a ton from this one, but the main thing I remember happening was being shot in the chest, at I think point-blank range, and having my back basically blown off. There was a massive exit wound between my shoulder blades. It was gruesome to say the least.

And again, I died. And the dream continued after I died.

The next dream happened a few days after the second. I'm pretty sure I didn't die this time around, which is progress, but I was still pretty banged up. This dream involved cars. And trees. The only pairing that goes better together than cars and trees is peanut butter and jelly.  I think I was trying to escape from somebody or a group of somebodies and there may have been a passenger in my car as well. At whatever point, I ended up being run off the road and head first into tree. Airbags deployed. It's also possible that after the car accident, I might have been taken captive?

Super specific details are a little fuzzy, but I'm impressed I remember even that much.

The most recent dream was from maybe two nights ago. Surprise, surprise, I was being held hostage. I wasn't the only hostage this time around though and the three of us planned a daring escape. Which ended poorly - we were found out. We were being chased through yet another mansion (I clearly have a thing for dreaming about mansions) while being shot at. The three of us ended up becoming separated and our captors managed to gain some high ground in the form of the second floor. Being shot at from above isn't an enjoyable thing, especially with few good hiding places. Our captors tried to weed us out, which came pretty close to working. Actually, it did work. We were trying to regroup and we ran into two of our captors while the third began shooting at us from above.

And that's all I remember before I woke up.

It feels like these dreams are fairly interconnected, which is a weird concept. But if they are, how do I explain the one where I die from a gun shot fits into the grand scheme of things? And why do I keep dying? And when I'm not dying, why am I getting hurt? Should I be concerned? Another interesting thing I've notice is that these dreams all feel very . . . cinematic or theatrical in the way they are presented. Like, they'd be scenes straight out of a movie or a TV show.

I was telling my friend about these dreams and he said I needed a Xanax or something to calm me down because it sounded to him like I was pretty stressed out. I told him that my mind was literally killing me because of how stressed I apparently am. Which I thought was the cleverest thing ever. I still do. Don't judge me.

But those are just dreams and I honestly don't hold much to the idea of dream interpretation and are probably just a result of my overactive imagination releasing some pent up creativity . . . in a very violent way to force me to create things again.

Until next time, g'night and sleep tight. 

Currently

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. I have about six or seven posts on the back burner, waiting for me to finish them. If ever. Some of them are kind of old at this point, but I can make them work. Some are just too personal and I'm afraid of finishing them and unleashing them onto the scary playground that is the internet.

But telling you what I'm withholding isn't why I'm working on this post. This post is to just talk about my life as of now, because why not . . . and it's been a long while since I've posted anything.

As of right now, I am typing this post in my bed, in my bedroom, in my house, otherwise known as Backstage. It's fantastic. However, my room is a little messy. My stuff is all over the place. It's not pretty. At all. I'm procrastinating on cleaning and putting everything away. 

I finally earned my driver's license this summer. It only took me two tries at the permit test and one behind the wheel test. AND I passed that part wonderfully. I had never parallel parked before the test and I pretty much aced it. It was great.I have a job. I am a full time DSP (Direct Service Professional) for Solutions I work with people who have behavioral and mental disorders. I have to thank a few friends for pushing me to apply here. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be stuck making minimum wage flipping burgers, making America fatter one Big Mac at a time. Or worse - unemployed.

And this is just a minor little thing, but my sleeping habits have been odd. I mean, odder than usual. For whatever reason, I've been having trouble sleeping soundly through the night. It's peculiar because I'm usually really good about sleeping straight through the night . . . and just about everything else. Maybe something's bothering me and keeping me up. Not really sure.

OH! I was in a movie! Yep. That's a thing. Rather, that was a thing, filming's done. I was in a horror movie. It was an experience and a half. It was submitted for consideration for the Fargo Film Festival, so that'll be something to tell my grandkids someday (or not). Totally worth it though.

I also ran soundboard for a show at a theatre that WASN'T at a high school OR a college -  it was a big kid theatre (Theatre B), where big kid actors act. I just auditioned for their next show, Sweet Nothings: A (Grim) Fairytale. And if this one doesn't work out, there are a bunch more auditions coming up in the next few weeks. I JUST WANT TO ACT! That's not too much to ask for, right?

I've also started seeing someone. We've been together for about a month. That's all I say about that.

I'm currently working on re-enrolling for school, which will be great for me to get back to school. I honestly do miss it, but I'm so grateful for taking the year off. It was a much need break from being a real person.

And that's my life. More or less. I'm probably glossing over something, but apparently it isn't important enough to mention.

So, yeah, sorry for the lack of anything, I just didn't really feel motivated or inspired or whatever is needed for writing a blog post.

Until next time (which will be soon), g'night and sleep tight.